I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
