i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
