I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
