i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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