last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
