I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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