I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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