Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
