Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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