Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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