There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
