I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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