i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
