i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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