Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
