Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
