just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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