Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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