I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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