I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
