Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
