my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
