She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
