finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
worst night to have a conscience
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just blew my weed a kiss
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize