I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
