i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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