I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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