Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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