I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
