Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
