you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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