at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We had to coat check the pizza.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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