Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
