hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize