Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize