I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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