I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
