Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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