if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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