Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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