You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
