if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize