Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
