You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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