saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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