Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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