I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
