On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
