so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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