i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
