He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
