I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
