Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
