I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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