I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
