Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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