I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just invented taco cereal.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
