My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
