remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
