When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
